Maps

I love maps. I can't explain why I love maps, but I do. Whenever we are traveling I pick up a free map whereever I can. I like maps of theme parks and tourist maps of towns even though they are not drawn to scale and therefor not very helpful. I like state maps even though I know I will actually use my navigating device in my phone.

My son loves maps more than I do. On the wall of his college dorm is a specialized map. It is of the world, but the perspective is inverted, that is, the South Pole is at the top of the map and the North pole is at the bottom. There is no up or down in space so there is no reason not to look at the world this way, but it is a little jarring at first glance. It is not immediately recognizable. Iceland and Canada look too large to me; Florida looks too small. Looking at the map from a different perspective reveals things that were overlooked in the past.

It is easy to see people in only the one way we have always seen them too. Like the map of the world, we feel like we know them so well we don't need to pay close attention. Children have talents and abilities we overlook when we look from the same place over and over. Parents are often surprised when I, as the children and youth minister, report that their children where very helpful or very compassionate during class. That isn't how they see their child at home. (Other parents would be surprised if I told them that the child they report as nearly perfect is actually the most disruptive or disrespectful, but I generally don't bother to report poor behavior). As parents it is hard to see your child as a person in a group, often because there is no opportunity, we spend our time with our children in a small family group or one on one. It is hard to see children as spiritual beings. Most conversations center around what is for lunch and day to day drama. 

By seeing our children in only one way we may be missing some big talent (or flaw) in our children; we might be really misjudging the size of Iceland. To better guide our children we should try to see them from a new perspective. Volunteer in your child's class or (and this is a shameless plug) Sunday School class and hang back at the edges and watch your child interact with peers without your help. If you're feeling brave, ask a trusted teacher or friend how they see your child right now at this age without taking into consideration how they were last year or the year before.

Children change quickly and sometimes we miss what is happening and then our perspective is off and we don't see what we need to see. We need to see our children as clearly as possible because we, as parents, have been given the blessing and the responsibility of raising them to be good and Godly people.

The End of Summer

   As summer comes to an end I find myself rushing to do the things I was sure I wold get to during the slower days of June and July. I intended to clean out all of the old clothes and shoes I don't need anymore. I was sure I would bake cookies and can tomatoes. I resolved to finally straighten up the old planters and trowels that have accumulated on the side of the house. Somehow the summer slipped away, the clothes are still crammed in the closets, we are without cookies or canned tomatoes, the side of the house is still as cluttered as it was last summer. Other good things were accomplished during the summer, but many small and tedious chores were left for another time.
   The well intended yet unfullfilled goals of summer echo the well intended yet unfiulfilled goals of many relationships. It is easy to intend to listen to our spouse without interrupting, to spend more individual time with the children, to call our brothers and sisters just to check in. It is very difficult to carve out the time from our schedules and to break into our routines in order to accomplish our goals.
   Just as summer ticks by so do the years. As my own children turn into adults I am moved by a new urgency to disrupt my set schedule to find the time to be with them. In years to come I may mildly regret the mess in the side yard, but I will look back at this summer and not regret laughing over a long lunch with my family or watching movies with a big bowl of popcorn between us. God has blessed us with relationships and families. Those relationships deserve our time and energy more than any overstuffed sock drawer. Let summer chores slip away the only important part of the chore chart is to love and nurture our relationships.

Say Yes

     Women's magazines are full of advise about learning to say, "no." The gist of it is that women over commit themselves and as a result are overwhelmed with responsibilities and have no time for the things that are important in life. This is often true. Certainly no one should sit on committees, serve on boards and volunteer for worthy causes just because they are asked and to the deteriment of themselves or their relationships. There is an exception I see to this stern warning of too many yes's and that is when given the opportunity to break out of a rut.

     Too often we reflexively say, "no" to activities that are out of the normal run of things. When presented with an offer to do or see or experience something that is novel and without a guarantee of the outcome, the knee jerk reaction is to say, "no" or ,"No of course not" or "No I don't do that, or haven't done that or have never considered doing that." Just because we have never done something doesn't mean we can't give it a try.

     Jesus asked his disciples to do all sorts of things they had never done before. Leave their families and follow him being a starting point, followed by healing the sick, dining with the outcasts, walking on water, among others. Jesus expects us to say, "Yes." Yes to serving in a way we have never served before, yes to praying when it feels awkward, yes to going places we have never gone.

     As parents, a simple way to practice saying yes is to say yes to our children when they want us to try something new or different with them. Yes to joining them in a camp out on the living room floor. Yes to playing pretend restaurant at dinner instead of watching TV. Yes to building a sheet fort in the dinning room. (Here are some fort ideas.)Yes to making some messy concoction in the kitchen.(I recommend homemade gak. Here is the recipe.)

     Staying in our routines is safe and comfortable, but limiting. Experiences that are different open our minds and souls to new possibilities. They foster growth and renewal. Some of these adventures will be failures, some will be a great new success and most will be a combination of the two.

     Have a summer of "Yes" adventures.

God's peace be with you,
Michelle


   

The Pace of Summer

     Summer is about to start. The last day of public school is in three days. That means the first day of summer starts in four days, despite what the calendar or cycles of the moon may indicate. For families with school age children summer brings a different tempo to the days and nights. No more waking in the dark for school, no more late evenings of homework. Bedtimes are not as critical when families can use the sun as their alarm clock.

     A relaxed pace is a balm to the sometimes strained relationships within families. Nothing helps build relationships as much as time spent together and time spent without too many bullet points on the agenda. Children tend to ease into important conversations when there is a stretch of time in front of them. It is easy to think their conversations are just talk, but as parents we need to remember during these quieter days of summer, that every long story or meandering conversation is an important one to the child involved. Listening to the overall theme or repeated observations of a child will often reveal what is weighing on his or her heart. The tenor and cadence of the story, be it fear, jealousy, pride, excitement or any other emotion  illuminates the path that parents can take in teaching, nurturing and leading children.

     The prayer For Quiet Confidence (found on page 832 of the Book of Common Prayer) is the perfect prayer for the summer. In this prayer we are reminded that God has taught us that "in returning and rest we shall be saved, in quietness and in confidence shall be our strength." 

     Let this summer be a a time to know the peace that comes from being still or, in the case of children, a little more still than during the school year so that we can come to better know and lead our children and know and follow our God.

Happy Summer,
Michelle

Change - It's a good thing

     May is here and with it come many transitions. Our high school seniors will graduate. Some of them will leave  right away for a summer semester in college. The fifth grade students who,since Christmas have seemed to big for the elementary school classes, will graduate to youth group and seem so very young and small. Similarly, last year's four year olds will turn into this years kindergarteners and move out of the nursery and into Children's Church and regular Sunday school.

    Just as children change groups and schools, parents transition to the new, bigger child or more responsible adult in their families. Growth and change are good things, but they can be frightening as well.  I am reminded of Gideon who was called by God but couldn't quite believe he was being called. "Give me a sign." he asked God. And God did. "Give me another sign" he asked again and again God have him a sign. Still he was unsure  and, it seems, afraid of the change of plans God had for him. Gideon prevailed once he embraced the change of direction God presented.

     Likewise, embrace the changed child in your house, the independently minded young adult living under your roof (or under a university's roof at your expense).  It is how God created all of us, to move forward, to change. Peace will be closer if we embrace these transitions as a gift from God.

Smile Your Children are Watching

   Parenting can be confusing. When to be stern and when to laugh in response to a child's antics is often a close call. There is one small thing all parents could do more often that is only difficult to remember not difficult to do. Greet your child with a smile. Walmart  has greeters; Disney world is awash with smiling faces to greet people; fancy hotels and museums arrange to have someone to greet each person with a smile.  It is a worthwhile endeavor to smile as a greeting to children.

   I have the occasion to watch children and parents come back together at the end of Sunday school or children's Church or after mid week classes. Often it seems that parents are exasperated to see their children. Even before the first sassy word or whiny request can come from the child the parents have a harried look on their faces. No one wants to be greeted with a heavy sigh or a scolding tone. There is time enough to address the problems, demands and complaints after a proper greeting. Children often approach their parents with something they want to say immediately, with a pressing bit of news. It is up to parents to greet them with a smile. To smile at a child is to show them that they are valued, that they are loved and that they are treasured.  The smile says to them that you are so glad to be reunited with them. When children know that an adult in their life loves them and is happy to see them it sets the stage for that child to begin to believe that God can and does love them and that they are indeed worthy of being treasured by, not only their parents, but by the creator of the universe.

   It is not controversial, it is not hard to do, it is just a little hard to remember at first, smile at children give them a small nugget of unspoken love before you launch into solving the problems of day or hour. this small gesture can change the tone of whole  afternoon.

:)

Michelle

Keeping Score in Your Marriage

   The world is full of score keeping. It seems almost everything we try our hand at there is a way to be ranked. What is your child's math score? How many AR points have they earned? Who runs the fastest? Who runs the farthest? Who runs the farthest fastest? If an activity isn't an official competition it can be turned into one. When my children were younger and I spent more time on field trips and in the classroom helping, I would overhear parents comparing their children to other children sometimes in a subtle way and sometimes not too subtlety. I referred to it as the sport of competitive parenting. I occasionally joined in, if I thought I had a winning position, but it never felt right or satisfying.

   Competition is fine in sports and when everyone knows what, if anything, is at stake. Usually it is only bragging rights and if carried with good cheer and accompanied by the humility of knowing that this is not a measure of a persons worth but just a fleeting moment of good fun, competition is fun.

   Where I see competition at it's worst is between spouses. Many people keep score within their marriage. Some keep score for years. Who does more house work, who remembers birthdays and anniversaries, whose parents are the most irritating, who failed to take the trash out or pay the electric bill or get up with the baby. I've known married people who can recite, with great martyred sighs, how much more their spouses hobby costs than their own hobby. I know couples who keep a strict accounting of how many times each has stayed home with a sick child, how many times each has gone out with friends, how many times the check book balance was not correct. (In reporting the spouses many faults no one admits that they may have dropped the ball once or twice).

   This is not fun competition. This is competition that decays a relationship. This is an underhanded way of  saying to your spouse that they do not measure up, that they are not good enough. This is an attempt to shame the person you most love and are most committed to in this world. What is worse is that so often  this is not a conversation held only within the marriage; this is a conversation broadcast to whomever will listen. It is destructive. There is no good to come from it.

   Love doesn't keep count. To keep count is a very human and very sinful way to live. It is easy to fall into counting. It immediately leads to bickering, bitterness, self pity and self righteousness. It is unpleasant for everyone and of course it teaches children a terrible lesson. The lesson is that love is currency; that you only have to do as much as the other person does. This is true if you have a contract to buy a car, but this is not true of love. The love defined in the bible and the love that God showers on us is not a score card kind of love. It is a "no matter what" kind of love.  That is the kind of love we should all strive for with our spouse, our children and the world. Even isn't always fair and fair is not always even. Marriage is neither even or fair, after all it is between to people riddled with faults.

   Keeping score is for basketball and tennis. Keeping score is not for life long, loving relationships. Throw away the score card and just love without counting.

Love the Action Word

   In preparing a lesson for Valentine's day I was rereading I Corinthians 13. It assigns concrete actions to the concept of love. Not one of the listed actions is easy. It is hard to be patient. Every one of us wants what we want. No one wants to put our priorities second to someone else's priorities, but that is what patience is. Patience is not fun, ever. When our children were just babies an older acquaintance told us that in raising children if you just don't know what to do in a situation pick the path that is the most painful for you the parent, the not fun answer is usually the right path. That is putting the action in love.

   When I teach a lesson revolving around I Corinthians chapter 13, I break it into several week. To list all 15 characteristic of love is too much to take in. I often joke with the kids and say let's just try to do the first five that will be hard enough. If we could be patient, be kind, not do things because we are envious, not boast,  not act out of pride we could really change things If we can master those first five characteristics of love our youth group, our families, our relationships would thrive.Our actions  would be closer to what Jesus had in mind when he said to love your neighbor.

   In our role as parents we have to be more cautious than we have to be in other relationships. Parents have the power so we have the ability to be the opposite of love; we can be impatient, we can be rude, we can be unkind, we can become angry easily and there is very little immediate consequences. That is why power is corrosive, it allows the powerful to say one thing and do another. As parents we can't afford that luxury. We can't make decisions because it is comfortable, rather we need to scrutinize the love we have for our children and make sure we are not just using our words, but also using our lives to live love in action the way it is set forth in God's word.

Guiding Principles

   When my children where very young I was intently focused on raising them. My goal was to mold polite, kind, good people who could take care of themselves. From that starting point, I would determine what they could and couldn't do, what kind of behavior was ok and what was not ok, what skills they needed to acquire. They were not always happy about my decisions. Their comfort was not necessarily a determining factor.

   Often they had to do things they did not want to do, clean the bathroom, things they were afraid to do, go into a store and make a purchase on their own, things they were embarrassed to do, apologize to a teacher face to face. Having an objective in mind, made it clearer what needed to be done, but not easier. I often thought to myself, " Do I want my son to grow up to be someone who can't clean his own apartment?" No, I do not, so it is my job to teach him how and when to clean house.  " Do I want a daughter who demurs in the face of an uncomfortable  situation?"  No, I do not, so it is my job to coach her on how to respectfully confront a wrong and ask for change. The list goes on and on. That is what makes being a parent so exhausting. Making the children you love do things they don't want to do is not fun.

   As Christians, we too have a clear goal straight from the mouth of Jesus. When asked in Mark 12 what was the most important commandment, Jesus replied that it was to love the Lord your God with your whole heart, soul and mind and that the second commandment was to love your neighbor as yourself. Moving through our lives each decision, each action, should be considered in the light of these two goals. Does this move me towards loving God and is this loving towards my neighbor? It is easy to get distracted and consider many, many other factors. Is this fair? Is this comfortable for me?  Is this financially advantageous? No matter the answer to this type of question, the objective of loving God and loving our neighbors must be paramount in determining our words and actions. And like making the decisions of a parent, these decisions often lead to hard work, facing our fears and humility but the reward is well worth the effort.