They Will Know We Are Christians By Our Love

Living a life of grace is easy to talk about, difficult to do. Finding a kernel of love for the people who have wronged me is very, very difficult. This week someone broke into my home and stole my son’s computer. This week a former employee accused me of being shortsighted and lacking compassion. This week I was wrongly accused of something and there was no means of redress. It is hard to love these people. The ones who steal my reputation and my peace of mind and my stuff.

Christians are to be different from the world around us. That means that, though everyone assures me that I have every right to wish vengeance on these people, I should not. I have prayed for each one of these people. I have asked for peace in my thoughts and actions in regards to these people.

I don’t feel like loving them. Yet I don’t hate them. I think that is a step along Christ’s path towards graciousness. I feel sad that these things happened. I often feel frustrated that I have no defensive action that I can take. I can’t defend my son’s feelings or his computer evidently. I can’t defend my pride. I can’t defend my actions. I just have to take it on the chin. Maybe that is part of turning the other cheek. Loving the other first. Forestalling or completely eliminating the words or actions that are for my benefit only.

This type of love is not love that lets others “get away with” their misdeeds. While the corrective steps have to be taken sometimes by me sometimes by others, the difference is the motivating force behind those steps. Burglars can not go on burglarizing. If found, there will be consequences which I will support. Employees have to be let go sometimes. Responsible adults have to take responsible actions. With grace involved these actions can be taken without hatefulness, vindictiveness or even anger.

I am reminded of a referee at a basketball games. He just calls the fouls when he sees them. The game moves on. Chaos is held at bay. Through it all he stays calm because he doesn’t have his emotions tied up in the outcome. Of course the analogy breaks down a bit because Christ calls us to love those who commit a foul against us. The referee is aloof because he doesn’t care one way or the other, but we are to actively care for these people as if they are a daughter or son of God, holy creation of God the Father. Tough stuff to swallow sometimes.

I believe that Christianity is a path sometimes it is pretty easy sometimes it is pretty hard. With each incidence this week I savored a minute, sometimes a good deal more than a minute, of righteous indignation, but with prayer and silence I was able to let that fervor go. I was left feeling a little sad and in some cases steeling myself for the consequences that needed to be delivered yet buoyed by the peace that does indeed pass understanding.

Each day is a new step along the path and sometimes I’ll get it right and many times I will get it all very wrong but I will keep trying.

I wish you grace and peace in the new year.

Michelle

"To Do" at Christmas

What is it about the holidays that make us over commit? The idea is to make everything wonderful, the house, the tree, the gifts, the meals, the caroling and on and on it goes. Suddenly it is December 15 and we are exhausted with what we have done and with what we have yet to do.
What does Jesus want from us? I think that is the question we need to ask; the one truly significant question. Martha Stewart wants us to make a centerpiece dessert of cream puffs with a drizzled topping simulating icicles. The school band wants us to deliver 200 goody bags with some sweets but not too many. The kids want a gingerbread house. Spouses just want a night out together.
Jesus wants to reconcile man to God. If that was his purpose then when we celebrate his arrival shouldn’t we be promoting His agenda, reconciling man to God? Now that is a huge one to put on the “to do” list. Gifts for the teachers, Home Depot for Daddy, visit the nursing home, donate to the needy and reconcile man to God. I don’t feel less overwhelmed with that added to the list.
That is the point of course. Reconciling man to God is not one more thing to add to the list. It is the list. Each item on the “to do” list should be held up and compared to this ideal. Is buying a new sliding, compound, miter saw for my husband a step in the path to reconciling man to God? Maybe, if done with a charitable heart and as a symbol of a love so deep I’ll give him the tools to tear out the bathroom, because that’s how God made him. How about hanging all those Christmas lights? Reconciliation between the creator and the created? For me, that one is harder to figure out. How does that bring anyone closer to God, closer to divorce maybe, but closer to God? Of course, each one of us must discern what activity speaks to our soul; which move us and our families closer to God.
Over the years I have simplified Christmas in my house. I don’t send Christmas cards. My theory on decoration is “less is more”. Christmas baking is at the whim of what anyone wants at any given time. Gifts for music teachers and Sunday school teachers and school teachers have become what I can find at the Church bookstore or a gift card. I’ve stopped trying so hard to make it perfect. Friends and acquaintances sometimes howl that those things must be done. I try to remember that Jesus didn’t live his life according to the rules of the community. He ate with lepers so I can probably skip the Christmas cards.
For the last two years I have declined all Christmas parties that did not include the whole family. Even the ones that everyone told me were a must. My reasoning is that if the “to do” list of Christmas is really to bring mankind into a closer relationship with God then the first place for me to start is with my children, the two little parts of mankind God gave me to raise for these few years. Christmas parties will always be there, the children will not. Instead of attending another party to benefit the needy I tend to my own children’s needs. I teach them about Christ through loving them fully, through spending time with them. Sometimes loving the children in an unhurried, unharried way is a circular path right back to traditional Christmas activities. Sometimes we bake cookies, sometimes we decorate the tree, sometimes we just roast marshmallows, even if it means turning the air conditioning down low enough to justify a fire. I make my donations to the needy and Toys for Tots and the food pantry but I don’t need to go to a party to do it.
This year the kids are older and have some activities they want to do on their own so I may go to a party or two. They want to skip the parade but go ice skating. Nothing is written in stone. A more relaxed Christmas where we try to love as Christ loved is the goal and in the end is the gift we all want and need.

Blessings,
Michelle

I'm Mom's Favorite

“Who do you love more?”

Every parent with more than one child will be asked this question, either outright or obliquely. There are picture books and essays and parenting tips all written to help with this quandary. The fact is I love them both so much. I would throw myself in front of a bus to save either one of them.

My husband and I have a tacit agreement - if it comes to one of the kids or one of us, save the kids. These declarations usually arise at the height of the tension in some bizarrely perilous scene that only Hollywood could concoct. But still, just in case we are ever hanging by a thread from a blazing F-16 and have only one hand to save someone, the rule is save the kids.

But of course, the kids’ question is not would you save Daddy or would you save me, but rather would you save me or would you save my sibling? After so many attempts to explain that I can’t choose, my answer is,“I’ll just let go and you two can save yourselves, if you don’t stop asking me this.” No, that’s not my answer, at least not out loud.
How can I choose? I can’t. No pat answer is going to satisfy them.
“You are my favorite daughter and you are my favorite son,” I say to my only daughter and my only son.
This only elicits, “So which do you like better sons or daughters?”

I love them both, not the same way, but so much I can’t quantify it. I love them each for who they are with a depth I can not express to them. I realize it is a depth of love that you don’t understand until you are the parent rather than the child. Why do Mom’s keep bailing out their irresponsible children? Hope, love that can’t be expressed, it runs so deep.

I am a daughter as well as a mother. I’m still suspicious that my mother loves my sister or one of my brothers more than me. Then I realize she loves me as much as she possibly can. She may be connected to my sister in a more significant way through the vagaries of life. My brothers are certainly more entertaining. That is just the way things worked out. But that doesn’t diminish her love for me.

The love a mom has expands with each new member of the family. It is not a finite amount to be portioned out, stealing some from one to give to the other. One gets all of his and then mystically there is enough for another full portion for the next one when she comes looking. Like the loaves and fishes that just kept coming not just until there was enough but until there was far, far more than enough. That must be an analogy to God’s love. It’s there and it just keeps coming.

If as a mother I love so very deeply and care so dramatically how much more must God love each of us? Just as it is ridiculous to believe a mother loves one more than another so it is with our heavenly Father he doesn’t allow one to garners more love than another. He may be pleased with one more than another on a given day. But this too, I, as a mother, understand.

As God loves us, as my mother loves my siblings and me, I too love my children with a depth of love that can not be measured. If it can not be measured then it can not be quantifiably compared. But try to explain that to a six year old.

In some of my less than stellar moments, when pushed I’ve retort,
“Who do you love more Mommy or Daddy?” (Say Mommy, say Mommy, say Mommy, I secretly think and simultaneously feel incredibly guilty for thinking it.)
Their response, “That’s not fair. That’s different. It depends.”
“Right,” I answer “it’s not fair.”

The question is impossible to answer it is a question that has no answer. Not because I am dodging or there is a secret I’m not telling but because the answer doesn’t exist. There is enough love for all of us and then some. All of us who are God's chidlren. Just rest, assured in that knowledge and let that knowledge buoy us as we get on with our day.

Michelle
October 16, 2007

Fasting? Me?

Fasting, of all things, keeps popping up in my day. It started with a light hearted conversation with a friend. She swore she could never fast for a day because she starts planning dinner while she is swallowing the last bite of breakfast and in the background of those thoughts she is simultaneously weighing her options for lunch, while perusing the pantry for a mid morning snack. Next, I picked up a magazine and randomly opened to an article and what was the topic but fasting as part of yoga practice. That same evening I began reading an article in The New Yorker. Ostensibly it was a narrative of the writer’s experiences at a week long spa retreat in the deserts of California. As the article progressed, I realized the retreat was a no food retreat. (They served lemon grass tea and vitamins.) The author went on to detail various religions’ disciplines of fasting (everyone but Sikhs fast) and the scientific and nutritional implications of fasting.

Fasting was everywhere. I dismissed it as a new trend of which I was, once again, unaware. (I didn’t know blue eye shadow was back in until it was out again.) Then today I read the scriptures assigned in the Daily Offices of the Book of Common Prayer. The gospel from today’s daily office is Jesus’ temptation on the mountain. During this time Jesus was fasting. The Old Testament reading was from Kings. In that reading Ahab was fasting as well. Now I am convinced that there are fads in publishing, but I don’t think the writers of the Book of Common Prayer are in cahoots with the editors of The New Yorker so maybe I should give some of my attention to fasting.

The two fasts of today’s readings couldn’t be more different. Jesus’ fast was, of course, pure in heart; Jesus was launching his ministry. His was a fast of commitment, spiritually arming himself for the work to come.

Ahab's, on the other hand, was a fast born out of petulance. Ahab was sulking. He wanted his neighbor’s vineyard and he couldn’t have it. So Ahab lay down on his bed, faced the wall, and refused to eat. He continued his fast until his wife Jezebel cajoled him out of bed with a devious and murderous plan to acquire the land Ahab wanted.

Jesus’ fast was not for himself but an act of submission before God the Father. Ahab’s fast was solely for himself, to draw attention to himself and to manipulate others until they gave him what he wanted. When we as Christians fast it is more difficult than we might think to enter into a spiritually appropriate fast. To put aside the Ahab type of intentions.

Of course, at first blush, we think “Well I’m no Ahab. I’m not fasting to make my spouse concoct a plan to falsely accuse my neighbor of heresy and have him stoned to death so that I can then get his vineyard for a vegetable garden.” But perhaps when and if we fast we have some motives that are not completely pure. When we fast the challenge is to be sure that we are fasting only to be closer to God not for any ulterior motives; not to show our personal strength, not to try to manipulate God into answering our prayers, not to assure ourselves that we are superior to others, Christian or not, not to store up some spiritual cache.

Jesus set the example. Jesus went away from his followers and detractors when he fasted. The scripture gives no indication that he left the mountain and spoke to his disciples about the fast. The Gospel for today emphasizes not the fast but the temptations. The fast seems to be a back story, a given part of communing closely with God.

The times I have fasted, the fasting was not a back story. Not eating for a day is not easy. Fasting and not thinking about the fact that you are fasting is pretty tricky. Fasting and not talking about the fact that you are fasting is even trickier. Food is everywhere. We don’t just eat for sustenance we eat to be sociable, we eat to fill time, we eat to take a break from other tasks.
It’s hard to dodge all that eating. It’s even harder to not say, "No thank you I’m fasting”. The subtext being, “Don’t feel bad while you eat that candy. Clearly your spiritual development is not at the level of mine and that is why you must eat and I must not.” The gospel of Matthew addresses that issue when Jesus says that when you fast you should wash your face and anoint your head so that you are not seen fasting by men but by your Father in secret. ( Matt. 6:16-18).

Those same verses in Matthew make me realize that I have not fasted in a long time. I can’t help noticing that it says “when you fast” not “if you fast”. There is a certain presumption that fasting is part of a spiritual life just like praying. It seems I'm falling short but I have some great excuses.

It seems like a Catch -22. How do I fast without broadcasting it, while simultaneously preparing and serving food to my family? Supposing I can figure that one out, how do I proceed with a day full of kids and work and housework without eating? As a rule, I get mean when I don’t eat. I’m very sure Christ doesn’t want me to holler at my kids, “I’m fasting here so can you guys just zip it and stop bugging me!”

Perhaps once again I will have to rely on grace. Rely on the sanctity of God’s word and believe that since Jesus clearly wants each of us to use fasting as part of our spiritual growth then Jesus will provide the way. God will provide the strength that I don’t have on my own. Entering into a fast, in obedience to God, will be different and will affect me differently than the process of failing to eat because I’m busy affects me.

During these days when I have been trying to dodge the topic of fasting, I realize that for far too long I have used my children as a very convenient excuse not to fast. One day without food will not compromise my ability to do the work of raising my children. God has given me the foreknowledge that my temper may be short and this is a chance for me to pray instead of eat and to practice patience instead of anger.

Will I fast soon? I think I’ll keep thinking about it but if I do it right no one will ever know.

God’s wisdom be with you all,
Michelle

Doing the work he has given us to do.

My father died seven years ago and last month I forgot. Last month, for the first time in seven years I didn’t mark the anniversary of his death. The day came and the day went and I didn’t even think of it until three days later. Each year in the last week of July since 2000 I have felt the acute loss of my father. I wouldn’t have expected it before he died. My father and I were not particularly close. We loved each other and we took care of each other but we only talked occasionally. We usually learned news of each other through my mother. He didn’t agree with many of my life choices and I didn’t always agree with his. Once he was gone I was shocked, stunned to realize the truth of it, the truth that he was really and forever gone from this earth. I had been independent of him for years, married, with my own children, mortgage, life, yet I felt the loss acutely for years.
My favorite memory of my father was going to the beach. When I was young we lived in Titusville and on many Saturdays we would all crowd into the station wagon with thermos of water and peanut butter sandwiches and plastic buckets and go to Playalinda Beach . The black and white VAB at Kennedy space center sat in the haze just to the south. Dad would hold me in one arm and my younger brother in the other and walk out to the “really deep” water, over our heads but just up to his chest and jump the waves. My brother and I must have been about 3 and 4 years old, respectively. The waves in the Atlantic can be rough. I can so clearly remember holding on to his broad shoulders as he jumped the waves with us in his arms. I felt absolutely thrilled at the tumulus surf and absolutely safe in his arms.
A parent’s importance in a child’s life is often under emphasized. Once they can talk a parent feels them separating, by the time they can talk back you can feel on the brink of being obsolete. Certainly the role we play in a child’s life is meant to diminish. A child should become independent; they probably should make some decisions we parents disagree with. It is part of the break but that break is never complete. The imprint of your parents, good or bad, lasts a lifetime. Their loss is a searing pain that eventually gives way to a mild yearning.
I sat at lunch with an elderly gentleman this week and as we were eating our dessert he said, “My grandmother made the best peach cobbler I ever ate”. That memory must have been half a century old. The small tug of the family from which he came was still there.
It is hard to remember in the day in and day out of parenting that what we are doing is making a lasting impression on our children. Parenting can become mundane, mind numbingly repetitive in the daily tasks of laundry and spelling words and music lessons and dishes. But like that peach cobbler and those minutes in the deep surf, hidden in the daily work of parenting are nuggets that will stay with your children forever. A memory that is a comfort or a habit that reassures. It’s a game of hide and seek, we don’t know and our children don’t know which moments are the important ones.
Staying the course, remaining focused, all that motivational speak dims with time. Nearly every parent has heard or read Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.” The stored wealth of comfort and wisdom from which our children can draw for the rest of their lives is being stockpiled now while they are children, while they are in our care. Parents are taken for granted and the duty and responsibility of forming another person’s life is seldom honored yet it is a noble mantel to carry to be someone’s mother or father, worthy of your attention. Decades from today your words and actions will be the memories that bring comfort and grace to your child’s spirit. As we would say in the legal world “Govern yourselves accordingly”.

God’s strength and peace be with you,
Michelle

Spiritual Development – ages 0-4

When it comes to spiritual growth, each child has an empty photo album that needs pictures. Although God created them as unique individuals, from the first moment you hold them you are adding to their album and forming their picture of the world. When you protect them and love them by caring for their basic needs, they learn that they are loved and the world is a safe place. They need to know this is also true spiritually, so you need to demonstrate, with actions and words, that God is like you: He also cares for them, keeps them safe, and makes sure that their needs are met. When they hear and see this repeatedly, they begin to build a worldview with a Christian foundation that sets them up for life.
In these early years they are dependent on you to feed and nourish them spiritually. As soon as you know you are pregnant, pray for them, and pray simple, short prayers over them that affirm God’s love and care. When you consistently pray for them, they learn what prayer is and that God is interested. You can begin this even before they know what talking is. Simply thank God for them out loud, pray that He gives them a good sleep, and thank Him for putting them in our life. In doing this you are giving them the basics of the Christian fait: God is real, He made them and loves them, He takes care of them, and prayer is talking to God. You are giving them their first snapshots of life. It’s probably a collage of impressions: love, comfort, security, smiles and frowns, happiness, care – all pieced together within a bright border that says, “Mommy, Daddy, and God love me. I am special!” What a way to start off their life’s photo album!

From Focus on the Family “Parents’ guide to the spiritual growth of children”.

Kids Need Boundaries

I found this article very helpful, as my husband and I sometimes are challenged by our three-year-old!

Kids need boundaries.

That probably doesn't surprise you, but this might: Kids want boundaries! That's right. Providing parameters for our children gives them a sense of comfort and security that nothing else can. Boundaries are the clear lines of behavior we draw within the home that children know they are not to cross.

The Danger of Moving Boundaries.

One mistake that parents often make is allowing inconsistent boundaries.Sometimes we allow for almost complete freedom, and then other times we hold high expectations for behavior. This creates a real challenge for kids, because they can never be sure exactly which standard he or she must adhere to for the moment.An example of this is parent's expectations during mealtimes. When we allow kids to grab bites as they run around the dinner table at home, why should we be surprised when they don't want to sit in a high chair at a restaurant?The Freedom Boundaries Bring!There is a common misconception that setting forth clear boundaries for kids is too strict or stringent. When kids are given a clear outline of behavior that's acceptable and behavior that is not, it gives them the freedom to move within those boundaries without constantly guessing what behavior will bring disciplinary action.

(1.) Establish clear standards of behavior.

All too often, parents simply tell kids to "be a good boy" without clearly defining what that would mean in a given situation. Set up some clear parameters that show how behavior would dictate this order. Using the restaurant example again, acceptable behavior for a young child might mean sitting still at the table during the meal, not playing with the food, and talking in a quiet voice. These are all very clear, attainable goals.

(2.) Use "What-if" scenarios to apply to future situations.

You don't have to wait for tough situation to deal with difficult scenarios. In fact, it is far easier to address them beforehand. With the earlier example, going over some questions with children before eating in the restaurant could certainly help. At this point, the parent can even make it fun! "When we get to the restaurant, would it be okay if Daddy gets up and runs around the table screaming? What would happen if he did that?" These steps work for kids of any age, by the way. For older kids, the "what-if" questions just change: "If you are riding in a car with some friends, and the driver stops at a convenience store and buys beer for everyone, how will you handle the situation?"

(3.) Move from "Moses" to "Micah."

The Israelites had all sorts of laws during the time of Moses. God had laid out a very detailed plan for His people to follow, because that was the first way they could know exactly what they were to do. At times, though, the law must have been overwhelming to God's followers. Later in the Old Testament, Micah sums up God's laws for the people in one simple sentence: "And what does the Lord require of you, but to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?" (Micah 6:8, NKJV)

In early childhood, the most important thing kids need is a list of "do's" and "don't do's." As they begin to grow, they need to embrace the principles behind those rules, so that they can apply them to every area of life. This is important for two reasons. First, as life gets more complicated, it will become impossible to anticipate every situation and make up a rule for your kid that applies. Secondly, the principle-based behavior cultivates initiative your child will need as he moves into adulthood.Boundaries are an essential building block of parenthood. Without them, kids can never be sure when they are "out-of-bounds." On the other hand, when children are given a clear understanding of what is acceptable, they really have the freedom to shine! Choose to give your kids the freedom they deserve - within a clear-cut set of boundaries.

For more information, please visit www.crosswalk.com.

Kristina

Never Give Up!

Can you think of a time that you wanted to accomplish one important task and started off strong and ended up not doing it? I can recall so many times in my life that I have done this to myself. I would like to tell a story to you about finding a will and a way through a relationship with GOD.
I was asked in February to run a 15K race. I thought how bad could it be to run 9.3 miles? Little did I know that you really need to train for a race! Everyday I would try to run or walk at least 2 miles, but with two children, a husband and a 40 hour work week, this did not always happen. I started to wonder whether I would ever make it, but I knew I promised my friend and I needed to do this for myself! So as the weeks drew closer to the race, my hopes were fading that I would not be able to finish the race. I went to the All Saints’ Healing Service one Wednesday afternoon; I knelt down before the altar and asked for the Lord to give me strength in my body and mind to finish this race. This incredible man prayed for me. When he placed his hands on my shoulders I could feel the movement of the Lord through me. When he finished praying, he looked at me, holding my hands, and told me he felt the presence of the Lord in me and that if I felt I couldn’t run anymore to remember this moment, and the Lord would give me strength to finish. The day of the race came and my running partner and I prayed before the race started. As we ran I knew the Lord was with me because as I reached the 8 mile mark, I felt I wasn’t going to make it. I remembered the moment at the altar and I prayed “Lord give me strength” over and over again in my head. Just as clear as that Wednesday afternoon, I felt the Lord in my legs as they kept getting stronger and stronger. As we crossed the finish line I cried for two reasons. First, the Lord was always with me and second, I FINISHED! Thanks be to God!

Love and Blessings!
Valarie