It is Christmas night and I am completely sated. We have eaten enough rich food to give us gout. We have surprised our loved ones with big gifts and small. We have gone to church several times in the last few days, sung the carols, prayed the prayers and heard the retelling of Christs' birth in several genres. It has all been glorious. We have been wrapped in the joy of celebration. It makes me a little sad to see it go.
Celebrating Jesus' birth, of course, need not be a once a year occasion. Neither does celebrating the many other gifts God has given us need to be a rare and fleeting moment. We can and should often remember the gift of God incarnate come to earth, but it is against our nature to be in a constant state of celebration. A celebration, by its very definition, is a special time set apart from the regular run of the mill days. Yet we don't need to only celebrate the big holidays that our society has set apart, the days we are given off of work and school. Small celebrations scattered throughout the year are an acknowledgement of the blessing we receive daily from our loving Father.
Families benefit from celebration of small accomplishments and occasions. Celebrating a good grade on the math test, a piano recital completed, the opening of the new Seven- Eleven are all small ways to draw families together for a few minutes of levity. It is a way to focus, if only for a few minutes, that we receive gifts, many of them intangible, much more often than we realize. Children blossom in the shared joy of a mini celebration, a few minutes with their parents all focusing, not on the work ahead but, on the happiness of the moment. The celebration don't need to be complex or fancy, a scoop of ice cream after dinner or a small Slurpee from that new Seven Eleven combined with a parent's declaration that we need to celebrate creates the celebration.
As the biggest celebration of the year, the feast of Christmas, ebbs away consider finding some bite size celebrations to enjoy with your children. They may be the celebrations they remember and treasure the most.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Saturday, November 03, 2012
Ask For What You Want
Little children are great at asking for what they want. Seldom do preschoolers or early elementary age children expect anyone to read their minds. If they want to paint, they say, "I want to paint." If they want a cookie, they ask, "Can I have a cookie?" They ask and demand so much that even a reasonably patient parent eventually finds their constant inquiries, requests, and demands tiresome, if not exhausting. Being with young children can feel as if you are being pecked to death; caregivers, whether moms or dad or grandparents or teachers, find life moving along a highway of questions and needs with few rest stops in sight.
As difficult and exhausting as it is to meet and answer the onslaught of preschooler pleas, discerning the needs of older children is littered with difficulty. As children become older they can do much more for themselves so on one hand things are easier. If they want a cookie, they can go to the cupboard and get one, eventually they will even seal the package up and put it away. If they want to paint, they can get out the paints and make a passable attempt at cleaning up. The trick is that somewhere between the end of elementary school and the midway through middle school children begin to believe that everyone should "just know" what they need and want. They begin to sulk, and huff and stew about needs and wants that have not been met, even if those needs and wants were never enunciated, even if no words were ever spoken by them regarding their desires.
This attribute seems to intensify as they get older resulting in hurt feelings for slights of which bewildered friends, siblings and especially parents are unaware and for the most part are quite unintentional. Unfortunately, the idea that others should just know what a person wants seems to go on and on. Adults set a terrible example. Parents squabble with each other believing each should know the other well enough to guess or know the other's needs. It is silly and exacerbated by movies and TV. It seems a recurring theme that one person's knowledge of another's favorite ice cream flavor is an indicator of true love and the failure to know and remember such details is a sign of wanton disregard and neglect.
Psychologist and therapist like to repeat the mantra "Healthy people ask for what they want." We need to teach children to ask for what they want. And as parents we have to remember to ask our children for what we want of them. Children shouldn't have to guess nor should they be expected to "just know" what parents want in behavior or school performance or household chores. Likewise, children need to learn that they shouldn't expect their parents to know what they wish they could do after school, or what they could have in their lunch. They have to be taught intentionally and by example to respectfully ask for what they want and to graciously accept the answer.
The answer no is hard to accept and it takes modeling and practice to learn to graciously accept it. Life is full of boundaries and as parents we are often called to set and enforce those boundaries, so often they answer will be no, or not now or a modified and conditional yes.
Jesus tells us to ask our heavenly Father for what we want. There is something in the asking that goes beyond the practical and opens us up to one another. Asking makes us a little more vulnerable and a little more focused and builds a stronger relationship. Through asking we reach out of ourselves and toward the other, building a bridge of communication.
We need to teach our children to sincerely and openly ask for what they want. Whenever we ask anything of anyone, God or spouse or sibling, we must do so with the grace and knowledge that the answer may not be what we want, but at least we have communicated and our relationships are stronger for it.
As difficult and exhausting as it is to meet and answer the onslaught of preschooler pleas, discerning the needs of older children is littered with difficulty. As children become older they can do much more for themselves so on one hand things are easier. If they want a cookie, they can go to the cupboard and get one, eventually they will even seal the package up and put it away. If they want to paint, they can get out the paints and make a passable attempt at cleaning up. The trick is that somewhere between the end of elementary school and the midway through middle school children begin to believe that everyone should "just know" what they need and want. They begin to sulk, and huff and stew about needs and wants that have not been met, even if those needs and wants were never enunciated, even if no words were ever spoken by them regarding their desires.
This attribute seems to intensify as they get older resulting in hurt feelings for slights of which bewildered friends, siblings and especially parents are unaware and for the most part are quite unintentional. Unfortunately, the idea that others should just know what a person wants seems to go on and on. Adults set a terrible example. Parents squabble with each other believing each should know the other well enough to guess or know the other's needs. It is silly and exacerbated by movies and TV. It seems a recurring theme that one person's knowledge of another's favorite ice cream flavor is an indicator of true love and the failure to know and remember such details is a sign of wanton disregard and neglect.
Psychologist and therapist like to repeat the mantra "Healthy people ask for what they want." We need to teach children to ask for what they want. And as parents we have to remember to ask our children for what we want of them. Children shouldn't have to guess nor should they be expected to "just know" what parents want in behavior or school performance or household chores. Likewise, children need to learn that they shouldn't expect their parents to know what they wish they could do after school, or what they could have in their lunch. They have to be taught intentionally and by example to respectfully ask for what they want and to graciously accept the answer.
The answer no is hard to accept and it takes modeling and practice to learn to graciously accept it. Life is full of boundaries and as parents we are often called to set and enforce those boundaries, so often they answer will be no, or not now or a modified and conditional yes.
Jesus tells us to ask our heavenly Father for what we want. There is something in the asking that goes beyond the practical and opens us up to one another. Asking makes us a little more vulnerable and a little more focused and builds a stronger relationship. Through asking we reach out of ourselves and toward the other, building a bridge of communication.
We need to teach our children to sincerely and openly ask for what they want. Whenever we ask anything of anyone, God or spouse or sibling, we must do so with the grace and knowledge that the answer may not be what we want, but at least we have communicated and our relationships are stronger for it.
Sunday, September 02, 2012
Flexibility or The Cat and Piano that were not on the List
Yesterday I had great plans for the day. Not exciting plans but many plans: go to the produce stand that during the week seemed a little too out of the way, fill the refrigerator for the week ahead, tidy up, vacuum, buy new socks. It is time to begin completing college applications, we agreed yesterday afternoon would be the day to dig into that processes. I had a long "to do" list and a pen ready to check things off one by one.
None of these things were completed. Life intervened. Our old man cat, Oscar, was hit by a car. He ran into the neighbor's yard dragging his rear leg and then vanished. Our family, four strong, searched and searched for him. He had pulled a cat magic act and disappeared.
We were distracted from the realization that we had lost Oscar, literally and possibly figuratively, by a text from a friend. Her move was not going well. The piano movers had just told her that the piano was not going to fit up the stairwell to her new apartment. There was no way to get it in. This was not a decorating problem, this was an economic problem. She earns her living teaching piano lessons.
We drove to her old house to size up the piano and give some moral support. This was not on my list of things to do. The furniture movers arrived. After much measuring and lifting and talk of angles and shifting of weight it was decided that it might fit, but they would charge double what they had estimated. Piano teachers are not rich. The movers finished with the chests and couches and left. Mid afternoon there was still a piano sitting in her old house, an empty wall in her apartment and a twisting stairway in between.
My husband called in our teenage son and a roofer he knew. Another friend, with a back problem, jumped in to help as well. With a truck and some two by fours and dollies and come alongs and straps and a lot of sweat and colorful language, three hours later the piano was at the top of the stairs, the stairs that had two ninety degree turns along the way up. The stairwell walls will need some touch ups.
I drove home to find Oscar had returned, bloodied and gimping. We loaded him in a laundry basket and went to the emergency clinic. This was not on my list either. At 10:30 Saturady night, we at last returned home with a sedated and stitched up cat. He should be fine in a few weeks though he may lose one toe.
It was a long day. Nothing on our list was accomplished, but we helped our friends both two legged and four.
The college applications are still on the desk top waiting, the other chores will work themselves out.
We have our plans; God has His plans.They are not always the same. There's no reason to fight the work that is put before us. To fight to stick to our plan instead of being flexible creates turmoil instead of peace. Seek peace.
Peace,
Michelle
None of these things were completed. Life intervened. Our old man cat, Oscar, was hit by a car. He ran into the neighbor's yard dragging his rear leg and then vanished. Our family, four strong, searched and searched for him. He had pulled a cat magic act and disappeared.
We were distracted from the realization that we had lost Oscar, literally and possibly figuratively, by a text from a friend. Her move was not going well. The piano movers had just told her that the piano was not going to fit up the stairwell to her new apartment. There was no way to get it in. This was not a decorating problem, this was an economic problem. She earns her living teaching piano lessons.
We drove to her old house to size up the piano and give some moral support. This was not on my list of things to do. The furniture movers arrived. After much measuring and lifting and talk of angles and shifting of weight it was decided that it might fit, but they would charge double what they had estimated. Piano teachers are not rich. The movers finished with the chests and couches and left. Mid afternoon there was still a piano sitting in her old house, an empty wall in her apartment and a twisting stairway in between.
My husband called in our teenage son and a roofer he knew. Another friend, with a back problem, jumped in to help as well. With a truck and some two by fours and dollies and come alongs and straps and a lot of sweat and colorful language, three hours later the piano was at the top of the stairs, the stairs that had two ninety degree turns along the way up. The stairwell walls will need some touch ups.
I drove home to find Oscar had returned, bloodied and gimping. We loaded him in a laundry basket and went to the emergency clinic. This was not on my list either. At 10:30 Saturady night, we at last returned home with a sedated and stitched up cat. He should be fine in a few weeks though he may lose one toe.
It was a long day. Nothing on our list was accomplished, but we helped our friends both two legged and four.
The college applications are still on the desk top waiting, the other chores will work themselves out.
We have our plans; God has His plans.They are not always the same. There's no reason to fight the work that is put before us. To fight to stick to our plan instead of being flexible creates turmoil instead of peace. Seek peace.
Peace,
Michelle
Sunday, June 03, 2012
Words have Power
Words have power. When my husband and I were first married we had a mug that I had received as a gift from a preschool parent. The mug listed 101 ways to give praise. Line after line of primary colored writing covered the mug. I was a tea drinker at that time and every morning my husband, the early riser in our pair, would brew a pot of tea and bring me a mug to start the day. As we didn’t have much kitchenware at the time, I often ended up with this Praise mug. It became a running joke that instead of my saying thank you for the tea I would find a phrase from the mug to use. “Wow, you did a great job making this tea”; “Good work making this tea”; "I’m so proud of how you made this tea”; “Atta boy, you made tea”. You get the idea, it was more than a little tongue in cheek, but delivered with love.
Over the last twenty or so years we have occasionally reverted back to our super positive mug talk when one or the other of us needed a mini pep talk. It is not a natural state for us, but even though we are usually joking when we do this, it works. Hearing positive statements makes the day better or at least the moment. It is easy to complain, gripe and whine. Hearing a steady stream of negative comments, while not ruinous of the day, certainly brings the mood down a few notches. Complaining and griping is highly contagious. One person pauses, the next person needs to match that gripe and raise it one or two complaints. To hear people talk one might think ours is a terrible existence and, generally speaking, the people I know have pretty good lives.
We have a choice each day, each hour. We can spread negative grumbling or we can spread positive spirits. Whether we know it or not our children are absorbing our tone, our attitudes, and our words, processing them and then giving them right back to us. If a child has a sassy, smart aleck retort to a teacher or parent after doling out the appropriate correction and consequences, we as parents have to look to see where that example originated. Sometimes is it TV, sometimes it is a friend, but usually it is home, mom and dad. If it happens frequently, then it is definitely a role model at home. Until they are 11 or 12, the model at home is the parental unit. After 11 and 12 others have more influence, yet all the while we parents still have a pretty substantial impact. The germ of advice is to watch what you say and how you say it. If your child mimics you perfectly, are you ok with how that will sound and how that will affect others? If not, you need to change. Maybe even get a sappy, super positive mug to remind you.
Sunday, April 08, 2012
Seeing the Miracle
When reading the Easter story, I have always liked when Mary comes to the tomb and doesn’t recognize Jesus. The moment when Jesus asks if it is true that she doesn’t recognize him and then suddenly she does. I think of this at Easter. We see the miracles of God, but we don’t recognize them until we question what we are seeing and a quiet voice says, “Don’t you recognize me”? Suddenly we know that the moment was a blessing from God, a word from God, a tender grace of God. It is as if at the moment it is happening, in the here and now, we are too busy to see it. We are distracted by life, we try hard to figure out what exactly we are seeing and we are determined to give it another name.
“Certainly that wasn’t God”, we think and then in the next second, or minute or hour we realize perhaps it was.
This Easter share some of your “God sightings” with your family. Model for your children the way to find God in the simple things and in the complex. Remembering to look for God will help to extend the memory of the miracle of Easter for the rest of the year.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Lent
Preparing children for school, for a recital, for being a friend, for facing difficulties and a hundred other things is the job of a parent. It is not easy. When older people say to savor these moments, these are the best years of your life, it occurs to me that they are perhaps allowing themselves to have a selective memory. There is a certain reward from the hard work of parenting, but it is just that, hard work. The lack of sleep, the stickiness, the limitation to your freedom of movement, literally and figuratively, are all difficult and exhausting. As children grow more independent and the limitations of raising children lift a little each year, it is a blessing. There is a happy reward in seeing the child, to whom you read Good Night Moon three times every night for a year, grow into a mature young adult. To see the girl, who insisted on wearing her socks inside out because the seam on the toe bothered her, appear each morning dressed and groomed beautifully for school without any fuss or even discussion. It takes time to see the results of parenting. It is a short time that seems very long.
Lent is very much like parenting in that way. It is only 40 days, not even a month and a half, and yet it can drag on and on. Forty days seems a very long time when you have committed to give something up or to take on a difficult task. Like parenting Lent is a way to prepare. If you are a parent, you are ready for Lent because you have been practicing preparing since the day you discovered you were to be a parent.
Like parenting, Lent seems like a really good idea at first. We launch into Lent with the belief that we can go without chocolate for a mere six weeks; that we can memorize a new verse from the Bible each day for forty days; that we can be kinder or more gentle or healthier. Again like parenting, the great ideas wear thin after awhile. The going gets tougher. The sparkle of the new wears off and some days it is just hard, unrewarding work. Yet the reward does come. Just as recalcitrent toddlers slowly but surely turn into charming young adults, so too does the discipline of Lent turn into a joyful Easter. Lent's work makes Easter's joy more full, more real something to be cherished.
I hope each of us has the forethought to commit ourselves to a Lenten discipline and the dedication to continue that commitment to the end with the sure and certain hope that Easter will come and with it the blessing of the season.
Blessings,
Michelle
Monday, January 09, 2012
Gifts in the New Year
The season of Epiphany brings with it the new year. The kings came bearing gifts and the new year comes with unknown gifts as well. It is as good a time as any to reflect on what gifts I can bring to my church and my family this year. I read that if you write down your goals there is a much greater chance of accomplishing your goals. And so I did. Most of my goals are personal, but one I will admit to is that I will try to pay more compliments than I usually do. Now I am not going to fawn over anyone, I don’t think I would know how. I will only pay compliments that are sincere. I have come to realize that often in the rush of daily life I don’t pause to comment on a job well done.
Everyone appreciates being appreciated. My children do very well at many things. I’ve come to expect a high standard in anything to which they set their hands or minds. Sometimes I forget to be thrilled at their hard work. Most times I feel very satisfied, but don’t mention it. This year I am going to try to be more vocal. I assume they know how proud I am of them, but just in case they missed my nod of approval, I will make the effort to state it to them very clearly.
When they were little we had a dinner plate we called the “Good Job” plate. The plate had the words “Good Job” printed on it, hence the name. Whenever someone did an extra good job at school, or home, or music lessons they were served dinner on the “Good Job” plate. Whenever someone worked hard on a project, no matter the outcome, they would get the “Good Job” plate. The plate was a sincere acknowledgement of hard work. It was not used every night. It might be pulled out once or twice a month. At dinner that night everyone would hear what deed warranted the “Good Job” plate.
As the kids have turned into teens the plate has lost some of its wonder. This year I will try to find a replacement for attesting to good deeds done and hard won achievements. Celebrating the accomplishments of life and the milestones of life are worth doing and add joy to the day to day. The bible tells us to give thanks at all times. We have to acknowledge the good things around us in order to give thanks. I think the “good job” plate helped.
As parents we should all find a way to acknowledge the successes of your children, small or large. Make sincere compliments not made up ones. If you are with your children and involved in their lives you will know what is a big accomplishment for them and what needs to be noticed. We are so often worried with correcting that we might forget to remember the steps forward. God has blessed us with so very much and we need to be thankful of it.
Happy New Year,
Michelle
Everyone appreciates being appreciated. My children do very well at many things. I’ve come to expect a high standard in anything to which they set their hands or minds. Sometimes I forget to be thrilled at their hard work. Most times I feel very satisfied, but don’t mention it. This year I am going to try to be more vocal. I assume they know how proud I am of them, but just in case they missed my nod of approval, I will make the effort to state it to them very clearly.
When they were little we had a dinner plate we called the “Good Job” plate. The plate had the words “Good Job” printed on it, hence the name. Whenever someone did an extra good job at school, or home, or music lessons they were served dinner on the “Good Job” plate. Whenever someone worked hard on a project, no matter the outcome, they would get the “Good Job” plate. The plate was a sincere acknowledgement of hard work. It was not used every night. It might be pulled out once or twice a month. At dinner that night everyone would hear what deed warranted the “Good Job” plate.
As the kids have turned into teens the plate has lost some of its wonder. This year I will try to find a replacement for attesting to good deeds done and hard won achievements. Celebrating the accomplishments of life and the milestones of life are worth doing and add joy to the day to day. The bible tells us to give thanks at all times. We have to acknowledge the good things around us in order to give thanks. I think the “good job” plate helped.
As parents we should all find a way to acknowledge the successes of your children, small or large. Make sincere compliments not made up ones. If you are with your children and involved in their lives you will know what is a big accomplishment for them and what needs to be noticed. We are so often worried with correcting that we might forget to remember the steps forward. God has blessed us with so very much and we need to be thankful of it.
Happy New Year,
Michelle
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