Family Ministries Blog by Kathy Hulin

I was blessed by the opportunity to attend a ministry conference at the end of January where gifted speakers from around the country gathered to impart the knowledge they have been cultivating through their research and life journeys. I have so much I could share, but a presentation entitled “Helping Parents Translate Faith at Home” seems most appropriate at this time. Below is a summary of what Kenda Creasy-Dean, United Methodist Pastor and scholar shared and I hope that it both resonates with and challenges you and your family. 

6 Practices for Parents and Congregations to Grow a Child’s Faith

1.      Invest in your own faith.

Do your children and teens see your Bible study and prayer life? Do they see the fruit of your practices?

2.      Share what you love not just what you know.

How do your children and teens see you demonstrate your love for Jesus and church?

3.      Share your faith story with your kids.

They need to hear how you came to faith in Christ.

4.      Emphasize Good News over good behavior.

Being a Christian is who you are, not just what you do, and kids need to hear and see that lived out. How do we embody the faith for our kids?

5.       Speak Christian language as a way of life.

(The National Study on Youth and Religion found that teenagers, and particularly Mainline Protestants were extremely inarticulate about their faith.) Do you speak to God, or just about God?

6.      Do radical things for God.

Let your children and teens see you do acts of hospitality, acts of mercy and justice, acts of prayer, acts of grace, and let them know that you have done it because of your faith in Christ and not simply because you are a nice person.

January 2015 Blog

I was so pleased to be a part of the baptism service this past Sunday. I especially enjoyed being able to help start a new tradition for our child, teens, and adults who become baptized into our fellowship by honoring them with a scripture verse unique to each.

When I began in this position and knowing that I would be trying to help shape the learning of all our children and youth in matters spiritual, I started thinking about the power of a scripture verse to help define who we are and what we want to become in Christ. I meditated on a few different verses for myself to think about which verses I would want to use to help define my role as Director of Family Ministries, at least in this first year. I settled on two verses that I see each time I enter my office: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind” from Matthew 22, as well as “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it” from Proverbs 22, and then one more scripture phrase which is on my wall to remind me that “you will be My witnesses…to the ends of the earth” (Acts 1:8).

I’m curious if you might take the time over the next couple of weeks to meditate over scripture sentences that could help shape and define you at this point in your Christian journey. I would love to hear what they are and even beyond that, I would love to hear how they help you during times of struggle when they are put to the test to help be your “sword of the Spirit” (Ephesians 6:17).

Blessings,

Kathy

"May we never lose sight of the possibility of transformation..." (from Iona Community Prayer Book)

Maps

I love maps. I can't explain why I love maps, but I do. Whenever we are traveling I pick up a free map whereever I can. I like maps of theme parks and tourist maps of towns even though they are not drawn to scale and therefor not very helpful. I like state maps even though I know I will actually use my navigating device in my phone.

My son loves maps more than I do. On the wall of his college dorm is a specialized map. It is of the world, but the perspective is inverted, that is, the South Pole is at the top of the map and the North pole is at the bottom. There is no up or down in space so there is no reason not to look at the world this way, but it is a little jarring at first glance. It is not immediately recognizable. Iceland and Canada look too large to me; Florida looks too small. Looking at the map from a different perspective reveals things that were overlooked in the past.

It is easy to see people in only the one way we have always seen them too. Like the map of the world, we feel like we know them so well we don't need to pay close attention. Children have talents and abilities we overlook when we look from the same place over and over. Parents are often surprised when I, as the children and youth minister, report that their children where very helpful or very compassionate during class. That isn't how they see their child at home. (Other parents would be surprised if I told them that the child they report as nearly perfect is actually the most disruptive or disrespectful, but I generally don't bother to report poor behavior). As parents it is hard to see your child as a person in a group, often because there is no opportunity, we spend our time with our children in a small family group or one on one. It is hard to see children as spiritual beings. Most conversations center around what is for lunch and day to day drama. 

By seeing our children in only one way we may be missing some big talent (or flaw) in our children; we might be really misjudging the size of Iceland. To better guide our children we should try to see them from a new perspective. Volunteer in your child's class or (and this is a shameless plug) Sunday School class and hang back at the edges and watch your child interact with peers without your help. If you're feeling brave, ask a trusted teacher or friend how they see your child right now at this age without taking into consideration how they were last year or the year before.

Children change quickly and sometimes we miss what is happening and then our perspective is off and we don't see what we need to see. We need to see our children as clearly as possible because we, as parents, have been given the blessing and the responsibility of raising them to be good and Godly people.

The End of Summer

   As summer comes to an end I find myself rushing to do the things I was sure I wold get to during the slower days of June and July. I intended to clean out all of the old clothes and shoes I don't need anymore. I was sure I would bake cookies and can tomatoes. I resolved to finally straighten up the old planters and trowels that have accumulated on the side of the house. Somehow the summer slipped away, the clothes are still crammed in the closets, we are without cookies or canned tomatoes, the side of the house is still as cluttered as it was last summer. Other good things were accomplished during the summer, but many small and tedious chores were left for another time.
   The well intended yet unfullfilled goals of summer echo the well intended yet unfiulfilled goals of many relationships. It is easy to intend to listen to our spouse without interrupting, to spend more individual time with the children, to call our brothers and sisters just to check in. It is very difficult to carve out the time from our schedules and to break into our routines in order to accomplish our goals.
   Just as summer ticks by so do the years. As my own children turn into adults I am moved by a new urgency to disrupt my set schedule to find the time to be with them. In years to come I may mildly regret the mess in the side yard, but I will look back at this summer and not regret laughing over a long lunch with my family or watching movies with a big bowl of popcorn between us. God has blessed us with relationships and families. Those relationships deserve our time and energy more than any overstuffed sock drawer. Let summer chores slip away the only important part of the chore chart is to love and nurture our relationships.

Say Yes

     Women's magazines are full of advise about learning to say, "no." The gist of it is that women over commit themselves and as a result are overwhelmed with responsibilities and have no time for the things that are important in life. This is often true. Certainly no one should sit on committees, serve on boards and volunteer for worthy causes just because they are asked and to the deteriment of themselves or their relationships. There is an exception I see to this stern warning of too many yes's and that is when given the opportunity to break out of a rut.

     Too often we reflexively say, "no" to activities that are out of the normal run of things. When presented with an offer to do or see or experience something that is novel and without a guarantee of the outcome, the knee jerk reaction is to say, "no" or ,"No of course not" or "No I don't do that, or haven't done that or have never considered doing that." Just because we have never done something doesn't mean we can't give it a try.

     Jesus asked his disciples to do all sorts of things they had never done before. Leave their families and follow him being a starting point, followed by healing the sick, dining with the outcasts, walking on water, among others. Jesus expects us to say, "Yes." Yes to serving in a way we have never served before, yes to praying when it feels awkward, yes to going places we have never gone.

     As parents, a simple way to practice saying yes is to say yes to our children when they want us to try something new or different with them. Yes to joining them in a camp out on the living room floor. Yes to playing pretend restaurant at dinner instead of watching TV. Yes to building a sheet fort in the dinning room. (Here are some fort ideas.)Yes to making some messy concoction in the kitchen.(I recommend homemade gak. Here is the recipe.)

     Staying in our routines is safe and comfortable, but limiting. Experiences that are different open our minds and souls to new possibilities. They foster growth and renewal. Some of these adventures will be failures, some will be a great new success and most will be a combination of the two.

     Have a summer of "Yes" adventures.

God's peace be with you,
Michelle


   

The Pace of Summer

     Summer is about to start. The last day of public school is in three days. That means the first day of summer starts in four days, despite what the calendar or cycles of the moon may indicate. For families with school age children summer brings a different tempo to the days and nights. No more waking in the dark for school, no more late evenings of homework. Bedtimes are not as critical when families can use the sun as their alarm clock.

     A relaxed pace is a balm to the sometimes strained relationships within families. Nothing helps build relationships as much as time spent together and time spent without too many bullet points on the agenda. Children tend to ease into important conversations when there is a stretch of time in front of them. It is easy to think their conversations are just talk, but as parents we need to remember during these quieter days of summer, that every long story or meandering conversation is an important one to the child involved. Listening to the overall theme or repeated observations of a child will often reveal what is weighing on his or her heart. The tenor and cadence of the story, be it fear, jealousy, pride, excitement or any other emotion  illuminates the path that parents can take in teaching, nurturing and leading children.

     The prayer For Quiet Confidence (found on page 832 of the Book of Common Prayer) is the perfect prayer for the summer. In this prayer we are reminded that God has taught us that "in returning and rest we shall be saved, in quietness and in confidence shall be our strength." 

     Let this summer be a a time to know the peace that comes from being still or, in the case of children, a little more still than during the school year so that we can come to better know and lead our children and know and follow our God.

Happy Summer,
Michelle

Change - It's a good thing

     May is here and with it come many transitions. Our high school seniors will graduate. Some of them will leave  right away for a summer semester in college. The fifth grade students who,since Christmas have seemed to big for the elementary school classes, will graduate to youth group and seem so very young and small. Similarly, last year's four year olds will turn into this years kindergarteners and move out of the nursery and into Children's Church and regular Sunday school.

    Just as children change groups and schools, parents transition to the new, bigger child or more responsible adult in their families. Growth and change are good things, but they can be frightening as well.  I am reminded of Gideon who was called by God but couldn't quite believe he was being called. "Give me a sign." he asked God. And God did. "Give me another sign" he asked again and again God have him a sign. Still he was unsure  and, it seems, afraid of the change of plans God had for him. Gideon prevailed once he embraced the change of direction God presented.

     Likewise, embrace the changed child in your house, the independently minded young adult living under your roof (or under a university's roof at your expense).  It is how God created all of us, to move forward, to change. Peace will be closer if we embrace these transitions as a gift from God.

Smile Your Children are Watching

   Parenting can be confusing. When to be stern and when to laugh in response to a child's antics is often a close call. There is one small thing all parents could do more often that is only difficult to remember not difficult to do. Greet your child with a smile. Walmart  has greeters; Disney world is awash with smiling faces to greet people; fancy hotels and museums arrange to have someone to greet each person with a smile.  It is a worthwhile endeavor to smile as a greeting to children.

   I have the occasion to watch children and parents come back together at the end of Sunday school or children's Church or after mid week classes. Often it seems that parents are exasperated to see their children. Even before the first sassy word or whiny request can come from the child the parents have a harried look on their faces. No one wants to be greeted with a heavy sigh or a scolding tone. There is time enough to address the problems, demands and complaints after a proper greeting. Children often approach their parents with something they want to say immediately, with a pressing bit of news. It is up to parents to greet them with a smile. To smile at a child is to show them that they are valued, that they are loved and that they are treasured.  The smile says to them that you are so glad to be reunited with them. When children know that an adult in their life loves them and is happy to see them it sets the stage for that child to begin to believe that God can and does love them and that they are indeed worthy of being treasured by, not only their parents, but by the creator of the universe.

   It is not controversial, it is not hard to do, it is just a little hard to remember at first, smile at children give them a small nugget of unspoken love before you launch into solving the problems of day or hour. this small gesture can change the tone of whole  afternoon.

:)

Michelle

Keeping Score in Your Marriage

   The world is full of score keeping. It seems almost everything we try our hand at there is a way to be ranked. What is your child's math score? How many AR points have they earned? Who runs the fastest? Who runs the farthest? Who runs the farthest fastest? If an activity isn't an official competition it can be turned into one. When my children were younger and I spent more time on field trips and in the classroom helping, I would overhear parents comparing their children to other children sometimes in a subtle way and sometimes not too subtlety. I referred to it as the sport of competitive parenting. I occasionally joined in, if I thought I had a winning position, but it never felt right or satisfying.

   Competition is fine in sports and when everyone knows what, if anything, is at stake. Usually it is only bragging rights and if carried with good cheer and accompanied by the humility of knowing that this is not a measure of a persons worth but just a fleeting moment of good fun, competition is fun.

   Where I see competition at it's worst is between spouses. Many people keep score within their marriage. Some keep score for years. Who does more house work, who remembers birthdays and anniversaries, whose parents are the most irritating, who failed to take the trash out or pay the electric bill or get up with the baby. I've known married people who can recite, with great martyred sighs, how much more their spouses hobby costs than their own hobby. I know couples who keep a strict accounting of how many times each has stayed home with a sick child, how many times each has gone out with friends, how many times the check book balance was not correct. (In reporting the spouses many faults no one admits that they may have dropped the ball once or twice).

   This is not fun competition. This is competition that decays a relationship. This is an underhanded way of  saying to your spouse that they do not measure up, that they are not good enough. This is an attempt to shame the person you most love and are most committed to in this world. What is worse is that so often  this is not a conversation held only within the marriage; this is a conversation broadcast to whomever will listen. It is destructive. There is no good to come from it.

   Love doesn't keep count. To keep count is a very human and very sinful way to live. It is easy to fall into counting. It immediately leads to bickering, bitterness, self pity and self righteousness. It is unpleasant for everyone and of course it teaches children a terrible lesson. The lesson is that love is currency; that you only have to do as much as the other person does. This is true if you have a contract to buy a car, but this is not true of love. The love defined in the bible and the love that God showers on us is not a score card kind of love. It is a "no matter what" kind of love.  That is the kind of love we should all strive for with our spouse, our children and the world. Even isn't always fair and fair is not always even. Marriage is neither even or fair, after all it is between to people riddled with faults.

   Keeping score is for basketball and tennis. Keeping score is not for life long, loving relationships. Throw away the score card and just love without counting.

Love the Action Word

   In preparing a lesson for Valentine's day I was rereading I Corinthians 13. It assigns concrete actions to the concept of love. Not one of the listed actions is easy. It is hard to be patient. Every one of us wants what we want. No one wants to put our priorities second to someone else's priorities, but that is what patience is. Patience is not fun, ever. When our children were just babies an older acquaintance told us that in raising children if you just don't know what to do in a situation pick the path that is the most painful for you the parent, the not fun answer is usually the right path. That is putting the action in love.

   When I teach a lesson revolving around I Corinthians chapter 13, I break it into several week. To list all 15 characteristic of love is too much to take in. I often joke with the kids and say let's just try to do the first five that will be hard enough. If we could be patient, be kind, not do things because we are envious, not boast,  not act out of pride we could really change things If we can master those first five characteristics of love our youth group, our families, our relationships would thrive.Our actions  would be closer to what Jesus had in mind when he said to love your neighbor.

   In our role as parents we have to be more cautious than we have to be in other relationships. Parents have the power so we have the ability to be the opposite of love; we can be impatient, we can be rude, we can be unkind, we can become angry easily and there is very little immediate consequences. That is why power is corrosive, it allows the powerful to say one thing and do another. As parents we can't afford that luxury. We can't make decisions because it is comfortable, rather we need to scrutinize the love we have for our children and make sure we are not just using our words, but also using our lives to live love in action the way it is set forth in God's word.

Guiding Principles

   When my children where very young I was intently focused on raising them. My goal was to mold polite, kind, good people who could take care of themselves. From that starting point, I would determine what they could and couldn't do, what kind of behavior was ok and what was not ok, what skills they needed to acquire. They were not always happy about my decisions. Their comfort was not necessarily a determining factor.

   Often they had to do things they did not want to do, clean the bathroom, things they were afraid to do, go into a store and make a purchase on their own, things they were embarrassed to do, apologize to a teacher face to face. Having an objective in mind, made it clearer what needed to be done, but not easier. I often thought to myself, " Do I want my son to grow up to be someone who can't clean his own apartment?" No, I do not, so it is my job to teach him how and when to clean house.  " Do I want a daughter who demurs in the face of an uncomfortable  situation?"  No, I do not, so it is my job to coach her on how to respectfully confront a wrong and ask for change. The list goes on and on. That is what makes being a parent so exhausting. Making the children you love do things they don't want to do is not fun.

   As Christians, we too have a clear goal straight from the mouth of Jesus. When asked in Mark 12 what was the most important commandment, Jesus replied that it was to love the Lord your God with your whole heart, soul and mind and that the second commandment was to love your neighbor as yourself. Moving through our lives each decision, each action, should be considered in the light of these two goals. Does this move me towards loving God and is this loving towards my neighbor? It is easy to get distracted and consider many, many other factors. Is this fair? Is this comfortable for me?  Is this financially advantageous? No matter the answer to this type of question, the objective of loving God and loving our neighbors must be paramount in determining our words and actions. And like making the decisions of a parent, these decisions often lead to hard work, facing our fears and humility but the reward is well worth the effort.

The Perfect Gift

Carve out time this holiday season to spend few moments with your children. Spend time enjoying who they are. Teachable moments are great. Instilling discipline certainly necessary but don’t forget to spend time not lecturing or cajoling or reminding or correcting but just being with them and listening.  We can tell them that we love them and we should tell them that we love them, but listening to them and being in their world for just a few minutes once in a while will show them that you love them. Turn off your phone, don’t look at Facebook, ignore the TV and the radio and be with each of your children. Five minutes of coloring or cutting snowflakes or listening to knock- knock jokes will convince them of your love, will steady them in a hectic world.

Spending a little time alone with God, our heavenly father, calms and reassures us. The same is true for our children. A calm and quiet time with your children will be a blessing to them, will forge a connection between the two of you. That connection will give them confidence to face their world with the knowledge that they are truly liked and loved. That is a perfect Christmas gift.

Five steps to including children in worship

 Our children are a part of the family of God. As part of the family of God, children need to participate in worship. Jesus calls us to worship, to come together as a family and Jesus made a point of not excluding children. If children sit back and play while their parents worship the message is that worship is only for adults.

The first step in involving children in worship is to require or encourage your child to follow the physical actions of worship. Stand when the congregation stands, sit when the congregation sits, kneel when the congregation kneels. At this point there is no need to read the prayers,  just follow the the actions of worship. Kindergarten is just the right time to start this.

 Second, share your prayer book, bible and hymnal with your child. Hold the books at his or her reading level.Trace under the words with your finger so that they can see where the congregation or clergy is on the page. At first it is too fast and too complicated for them to read along, just give them the opportunity to see what is happening. They will drift and lose interest, but when they look back they can see that there is a system to all this talking.

The third step is  a continuation of the second. Keep reading, keep showing them where we are, but now ask them to find the hymns just before time to sing a hymn. Hymns are first because the numbers are big and easy to read.

 Fourth, introduce the bulletin. This may taking some chatting before or after the service though it also can be accomplished by pointing to the page number indicated in the bulletin and then turning to that page in the appropriate book. Point at the bulletin, point at the page number in the book  over and over and eventually it will sink in.

  Finally, begin to just hand them the right book at the right time all the while pointing at page number listed in the bulletin. Hymnal before the procession, prayer book for the collect, bible for the readings, hymnal for the gospel procession, prayer book for the prayers and the creed  and on and on all while standing, sitting, and kneeling at the right time. It is a lot to figure out. It will take time and patience.

    In being attentive to the worship experience and mentoring our children to an understanding of the mechanics of worship, we teach them that it is very important to us. We model what we want. We set the expectation of participation. Our actions will teach them that worship isn't just for the grown ups it is for all of us and we are all joined as one body of Christ.

Bless this Child

     There is a tiny book entitled To Bless a Child written by Roy G. Pollina.  Fr. Pollina encourages parents to start the tradition of speaking a blessing to your children. It is an endearing concept; a tradition well worth establishing. The book gives step by step instructions on crafting your own blessings.

      To speak a blessing over your child is to tell them not just that you have good wishes for them but that you are, in that moment, entrusting them to God's care, that you are speaking to God about your dear child.  What a powerful message this sends to your child. It tells your child that you believe that God is here and part of his or her day. It tells your child that you seek from God the very best for them. It reminds them of God's story, God's love and their place in the family of Christ.

     My children are in college and high school. I felt self conscious when I put my hand on my daughter's forehead as she prepared to step out of the car in the dark hours of the morning. Quietly I said," Lord Jesus grant my child peace and confidence on this day." She looked at me and said, "That sounds like something the Pope would say." Then she smiled , kissed my cheek and stepped out of the car. Maybe she thinks I am nuts, but maybe she was reminded of the depth of my love and God's love for her.

Sacred Space

 During the last week of July our church held its annual Home Grown Mission Week. This a week of middle school and high school students working on community projects during the day and sleeping on the floor of the youth room at night. It is a week full of challenges and blessings. It is hard for 17 teenagers ranging in age from 11 to 18  to work together, eat together, play games together and rest together. It takes a lot of grace sometimes it is there and sometimes it is missing.

One time in each day when the acceptance and grace shined through was in the evening. After the games, but before we bunked down, as a group we trekked up two flights of stairs to Mary's Chapel, the small chapel to the side of the sanctuary.  There was much goofing around as we went up the stairs and hints of ghosts or other things that go bump in the night as we approached the darker parts of the church. The kids would gather outside the door of the chapel and wait for me to lead them in. I didn't ask them to wait, but they did. As I opened the door and lead them into the chapel  each night there was a change to the demeanor of them as individuals and as a group.We were entering a sacred space and peacefulness was quietly waiting for us there.

Some reverenced the cross; some did not. All were quieter. There was some jostling for pew space, but very little. Each of them took a prayer book, opened it and participated. This time of prayer was not  a teaching moment, I had no message for them. It was a time of prayer for all of us. I asked them to be silent for a few seconds so we could refocus; leave the pile of difficulties behind and enter into a quieter feeling. After about 30 second or at least 5 good deep breaths for me, I would start Compline in the Book of Common Prayer. We wandered through the confession and the prayers, the Lord's prayer and the psalm and ended with the final blessing. By the time we were done we were changed  we were a closer community when we left; it was a change I can't explain, one of those mysterious of faith. 

We were faithful in prayer and we were blessed as a result. 

Why Vacation Bible School

We are a week away from the start of our annual Vacation Bible School, a week of bible stories, arts and crafts, games, snacks and silliness. There is some debate and discussion of the efficacy of vacation bible school. It is a lot of work, often a lot of money and a lot of arm twisting to get volunteers. Often we query, what's the return? Which leads, inevitably, to the question of what's the point? Are we trying to gain new souls for Jesus? Are we trying to recruit new members to the church? Are we providing some wholesome diversion for children or maybe a respite for parents during the long, hot summer?

The answer, I think, is yes to all of these questions. Most importantly we are creating a forum, a time and a place, to share the love of Christ. Loving others is not in the declaration of love. We can not rest with the claim that, why yes we do love our neighbors. We have to put some skin in the game. Enthusiastically welcoming a few dozen children into our church, creating skits and games, making puppets and terrariums, and animating the parables of Jesus is our way of showing Christ's love.  We model God's love of world and of the individual to the children, to each other and to anyone who cares to look.

What is the return from the investment of time, talent and tithe in VBS? What is the return of any ministry? How can it be measured? Maybe we are scattering the metaphorical seeds or maybe we are nurturing the seeds planted by others, maybe we will see some harvest. As is often the case when dealing with God and when dealing with people, we must take a step in faith that where we are faithful in sincerely sharing God's love, with patience, kindness, self-control and all the other fruits of the Spirit, God will be faithful to use our efforts to His purposes. VBS is not a means of making art and memorizing scripture. It is the time and place we set apart to love others as Christ loves without measuring the return.

Start with the end in mind

    It is Easter day. The end of what sometimes seemed like a long lenten season. Lent is an example of a season that starts with the end in mind. Lent leads us toward Easter. The disciplines of prayer, fasting, attending worship and acts of self denial are the flagstones in the path we are paving toward a rewarding and heart felt celebration of Easter and the risen Christ. Acts of self denial and discipline are not often anticipated with relish. They are the hard work, slowly and incrementally, leading to the end, to the joy of Easter. Doing the things we least want to do , the things that are tiring and tedious and inconvenient these are the moves we make to inch our way toward that end denying ourselves the easy path today in order to experience the greater reward of the goal attained tomorrow.


    Remember the end while you are in the middle in parenting your children. Just as the third and fourth weeks of Lent are a low time so also are there low times in parenting. There are times in Lent when Easter does not seem to be in sight, but it is there just around the corner. When raising children it is so easy to think that it will last forever so what does one night or week of homework matter, what does  a little disrespect hurt? Just as the practices of Lent seems to work like compound interest, adding up rewards faster than you would have thought, so to are the rewards of staying focused on the task of raising children. Keep the end in mind. Strong, respectful, loving Christian men and and women of God are what we are striving for.  At the end the celebration will be as joyous as an Easter morning after a long lent.

Lenten Discipline - Public or Private?

   Last year during the season of Lent I gave up meat. It was hard. Harder than I had imagined. Breakfast sandwiches without bacon are really only toast wrapped around a scrambled egg. Not inspiring. Lunch was less difficult; it's easy to pick meat off of salads. My husband, who was raised believing that a hamburger patty is an appropriate side dish to ham, was more than willing to eat the meat scraped off my lunch. Dinner, now that was difficult. The difficulty was finding forty days worth of main courses without meat. The joy of macaroni and cheese only lasts so long. I bought a vegetarian cookbook, I searched the internet.  My family made clandestine trips to Burger King and Taco Bell. The Easter ham tasted quite good.

So here we are now a few days into Lent a year later. It didn't occur to me to give up meat, rather I have taken on a task for Lent. I am torn between sharing this commitment so as to be held accountable and keeping it private so as to adhere to the admonitions of Matthew chapter 6 which urges us not to be showy in fasting or praying or giving of alms, but rather to do these things in secret with only God as our witness. 

Because I am, for the most part, the cook of the family, last year it just wasn't possible for me to keep my Lenten discipline of no meat a secret. I felt uncomfortable with it being noted, yet I felt supported by my friends who made an effort to accommodate me. The ladies who come to my house for a monthly dinner brought vegetarian lasagna and salads. My dear husband, with whom I eat lunch everyday, was conscientious, though he did ask me several times if chicken was really considered meat. All in all the atmosphere was too public for me so as I write this I am convinced that it is better, for me, to keep spiritual disciplines between me and God.

Whether to share or not to share your Lenten discipline is very personal and also conditional on what it is you are doing to improve your self and to move forward in your walk with God. There is no right answer. Prayer and practicality will be our guide year to year.

Have blessed Lent,
Michelle

Celebrations Big and Small

   It is Christmas night and I am completely sated. We have eaten enough rich food to give us gout. We have surprised our loved ones with big gifts and small. We have gone to church several times in the last few days, sung the carols, prayed the prayers and heard the retelling of Christs' birth in several genres. It has all been glorious. We have been wrapped in the joy of celebration. It makes me a little sad to see it go.

   Celebrating Jesus' birth, of course, need not be a once a year occasion. Neither does celebrating the many other gifts God has given us need to be a rare and fleeting moment. We can and should often remember the gift of God incarnate come to earth, but it is against our nature to be in a constant state of celebration. A celebration, by its very definition, is a special time set apart from the regular run of the mill days. Yet we don't need to only celebrate the big holidays that our society has set apart, the days we are given off of work and school. Small celebrations scattered throughout the year are an acknowledgement of the blessing we receive daily from our loving Father.

   Families benefit from celebration of small accomplishments and occasions. Celebrating a good grade on the math test, a piano recital completed, the opening of the new Seven- Eleven are all small ways to draw families together for a few minutes of levity. It is a way to focus, if only for a few minutes, that we receive gifts, many of them intangible, much more often than we realize. Children blossom in the shared joy of a mini celebration, a few minutes with their parents all focusing, not on the work ahead but, on the happiness of the moment. The celebration don't need to be complex or fancy, a scoop of ice cream after dinner or a small Slurpee from that new Seven Eleven combined with a parent's declaration that we need to celebrate creates the celebration.

   As the biggest celebration of the year, the feast of Christmas, ebbs away consider finding some bite size celebrations to enjoy with your children. They may be the celebrations they remember and treasure the most.

Ask For What You Want

Little children are great at asking for what they want. Seldom do preschoolers or early elementary age children expect anyone to read their minds. If they want to paint, they say, "I want to paint." If they want a cookie, they ask, "Can I have a cookie?" They ask and demand so much that even a reasonably patient parent eventually finds their constant inquiries, requests, and demands tiresome, if not exhausting. Being with young children can feel as if you are being pecked to death; caregivers, whether moms or dad or grandparents or teachers, find life moving along a highway of questions and needs with few rest stops in sight.

As difficult and exhausting as it is to meet and answer the onslaught of preschooler pleas, discerning the needs of older children is littered with difficulty. As children become older they can do much more for themselves so on one hand things are easier. If they want a cookie, they can go to the cupboard and get one, eventually they will even seal the package up and put it away. If they want to paint, they can get out the paints and make a passable attempt at cleaning up. The trick is that somewhere between the end of elementary school and the midway through middle school children begin to believe that everyone should "just know" what they need and want. They begin to sulk, and huff and stew about needs and wants that have not been met, even if those needs and wants were never enunciated, even if no words were ever spoken by them regarding their desires.

This attribute seems to intensify as they get older resulting in hurt feelings for slights of which bewildered friends, siblings and especially parents are unaware and for the most part are quite unintentional. Unfortunately, the idea that others should just know what a person wants seems to go on and on. Adults set a terrible example. Parents squabble with each other believing each should know the other well enough to guess or know the other's needs. It is silly and exacerbated by movies and TV. It seems a recurring theme that one person's knowledge of another's favorite ice cream flavor is an indicator of true love and the failure to know and remember such details is a sign of wanton disregard and neglect.

Psychologist and therapist like to repeat the mantra "Healthy people ask for what they want." We need to teach children to ask for what they want.  And as parents we have to remember to ask our children for what we want of them.  Children shouldn't have to guess nor should they be expected to "just know" what parents want in behavior or school performance or household chores. Likewise, children need to learn that they shouldn't expect their parents to know what they wish they could do after school, or what they could have in their lunch. They have to be taught intentionally and by example to respectfully ask for what they want and to graciously accept the answer.

The answer no is hard to accept and it takes modeling and practice to learn to graciously accept it. Life is full of boundaries and as parents we are often called to set and enforce those boundaries, so often they answer will be no, or not now or a modified and conditional yes.

Jesus tells us to ask our heavenly Father for what we want. There is something in the asking that goes beyond the practical and opens us up to one another. Asking makes us a little more vulnerable and a little more focused and builds a stronger relationship. Through asking we reach out of ourselves and toward the other, building a bridge of communication.

We need to teach our children to sincerely and openly ask for what they want.  Whenever we ask anything of anyone, God or spouse  or sibling, we must do so with the grace  and knowledge that the answer may not be what we want, but at least we have communicated and our relationships are stronger for it.