If only I were perfect.

I hate making mistakes. I guess everyone does, but my mistakes always seem bigger and dumber than anyone elses'. I’ll readily admit when I have made a mistake, but then I suffer to no end about having made an error. I have an inner critic who is quite the task master. My critic tells me that if I were more organized, if I was more thoughtful, if I didn’t rush or if I rushed a little more, if I prayed more, if I had more faith, if I was more like my mother, if I wasn’t so thoughtless, then I would not make mistakes like this one.

My inner critic is with me as I mother, as I exercise, as I clean house or fail to clean house and certainly is in full voice when I look at the contents of my minivan. I think that listening to this critic is a sin. It is a tricky thing to recognize this as a sin. It is like a friend who is giving you constructive criticism with snide undertones. That is a bad friend, not a friend at all. That inner voice is really whispering, “You aren’t good enough and never will be. Don’t believe all of that silly Jesus loves you business. How could he? You lost your car keys …again.”

It’s not a sin to recognize there is growth potential in your life. It’s a sin to let the little voice tell you that the most important thing about you is that you made a mistake. The most important thing about us is that God loves us and accepts us. And that through the love of Christ, we can grow in faith and grow in love.

The kicker is that our children do as we do, not as we say. That inner mean friend, that criticizes me and shoves aside the peace that a life in Christ offers, is contagious. It jumps from me to my children in a blink of the eye. When they see me disgusted with myself, then they suddenly are disgusted with themselves. (Boy, then do I feel bad, which is a little circular. My, “I am a bad mother,” thoughts turn into proof that, sure enough, I am a bad mother; my kids are worrying just like me.)

To love our neighbors as ourselves we have to love ourselves (which sounds very 1970’s). God loves us. Christ sacrificed himself for us without concern about how often we lose things and make mistakes. Indeed, he did it with full knowledge of our many flaws. To love our children, we must love ourselves and know that we strive for perfection through Christ, not aside form him. In this way, our children will learn the same thing. In Christ we will find the love and acceptance we need to then reach out to others.

So, now I have to go next door and admit a mistake and try to let it go with a smirk, an apology, and the effort it takes to make it right and tell that little voice to take a hike.

Peace,

Michelle