I once represented a woman who deserved no more chances from the court. She had been given several chances to do the things she should do and she had failed. Yet, to my surprise, the court granted her one more chance. I represented her, I was the one person in her corner and even I had grave doubts that she deserved another chance.
God gives us another chance and another chance. Rather than judge us as we deserve, rather than mete out the justice we have earned, the Lord calls us back, back into the fold again and again. Through his loving kindness he reaches out to pull us close again after we wander away.
If the Lord can bring himself to this act of mercy and grace for each of us, then certainly we must do the same for our children. They make mistakes. We are required to correct the mistakes but then we can move forward. We need to stop looking back. It is easy to return to the mistakes they have made and harp on them. To remind them of what happened before, point out where we were right, assure that they never forget their errors.
When a child returns to you with an “A” on a spelling test, to respond by saying, “You see you do much better on a spelling test if you work on the words every day rather than on the bus the morning of the test,” isn’t encouraging. Instead it is reminding the child, once again, of how wrong they were and how right we were. God doesn’t seem to set that example for us. That is not the lesson Christ brings to us. We are not conditionally brought back into the fold. Rather, as in the parable of the prodigal son, there is great rejoicing when we turn from what is wrong and do what is right. There is no scolding in the prodigal son, no belittling, no “joking” about what a terrible mistake he made. It wasn’t the topic of conversation at every Thanksgiving dinner. (“Well, we all know somebody who slept with the pigs.” Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.) Once he had learned his lesson, his father moved on to celebrate his son's new found wisdom and welcomed him back with loving kindness.
It is only with godly wisdom that we can hold our tongues and not belittle or unduly scold our children. In remembering the many undeserved second chances and loving kindness that has been shown to us, through Christ, is it possible to conform our own behavior so that we wisely lead our children while simultaneously modeling the grace which is daily extended to us.
Blessings,
Michelle
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Thursday, August 07, 2008
The Sky's the Limit
Setting expectations for our children is difficult. How much can they do and at what age? What is enough? What is too much? No matter where you set the standard someone thinks that’s an unreasonable standard in one direction or another. My suspicion is that, all of the parents I know, myself included, expect too little of our children. If I could ask my grandmother what she was expected to do at different ages throughout her childhood I’m sure it would be more than today’s children. Our children are as smart as and probably healthier than children were 100 years ago, so why don’t we expect as much of them?
I have recently browsed through a book written by two teenage boys who have positioned themselves as rebels against low expectations for teens. The book is called Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris. Earlier in the summer I read the review of a book discussing the woes of expecting too little of teens and the ills of holding teens back from achieving based on their age. If our teens are not achieving it is because we haven’t prepared them to do more. The low expectations don’t just start the day a child turns the corner from 12 to 13, magically becoming a teenager. Low expectations seem to begin around the age of 3 and often spiral out of control from there. At three, it is time to start to civilized a child in earnest. By 10 they should be down right charming and helpful.
This is easier said than done, of course. Kids like being the prince or princess of their world. Who wouldn’t like to have someone fix the exact meal we want, when we want it and how we want it? Do our laundry, pay our bills, drives us to the fun activities and certainly not interrupt our TV and computer time. When parents call a halt to all of this pampering, kids are not happy and they share that sentiment with everyone. Any tranquility which once reigned, while little precious was plugged into the TV or computer and eating only the food he found palatable, will be shattered when expectations are spelled out.
Your once marginally, happy child will now sigh, cut their eyes at you, grumble, accuse you of unfairness, inequality, meanness and otherwise try to irritate you out of your decision to make him put forth effort. They will alternately pout, plead inability to do the work, lack of time to do the work, tiredness, stomach aches, headaches, homework and other injuries to soul and body. It is trying to live with these little fountains of misery. It would be so much easier to just do it yourself. Or better yet, hire someone to do it. They don’t learn much about life if someone else is doing it.
We like our children to be happy. We like to nurture them, sooth them, not irritate them. It takes a while for them to discover that there is a certain happiness to be found in a job well done. It takes twice as long, if ever, for them to admit it. There is no quick return on this investment. But God did not tell us to treat our children as pets, giving them the things they want because it is fun for us. Raising children isn’t a hobby; it is our work and sometimes it is hard, which provides a certain symmetry in this plan. It’s hard for us to make them do hard things.
Our job is to start them down the right path. Raising children who expect to be catered to is not the Godly way to raise a child. We can’t keep coddling them if we expect them to work for Christ, to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, spread the word and love of God. We have to train them.
If we were sending our children out to run a marathon we would insist that they be trained first. Before we send them out into the world, we must train them as well. And it is a long training schedule. If we set expectations high, children will achieve more and will be on a lifelong path of meeting high expectations, of fulfilling the calling God has given them.
Proverbs 22:6 “Raise up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.”
So grit your teeth, or gird your loins, or whatever it takes to expect more of your children. Make them do some things that are hard to do and they will probably surprise you when you see how very much they can do. It’s for their own good, whether they believe you or not.
Blessings,
Michelle
I have recently browsed through a book written by two teenage boys who have positioned themselves as rebels against low expectations for teens. The book is called Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris. Earlier in the summer I read the review of a book discussing the woes of expecting too little of teens and the ills of holding teens back from achieving based on their age. If our teens are not achieving it is because we haven’t prepared them to do more. The low expectations don’t just start the day a child turns the corner from 12 to 13, magically becoming a teenager. Low expectations seem to begin around the age of 3 and often spiral out of control from there. At three, it is time to start to civilized a child in earnest. By 10 they should be down right charming and helpful.
This is easier said than done, of course. Kids like being the prince or princess of their world. Who wouldn’t like to have someone fix the exact meal we want, when we want it and how we want it? Do our laundry, pay our bills, drives us to the fun activities and certainly not interrupt our TV and computer time. When parents call a halt to all of this pampering, kids are not happy and they share that sentiment with everyone. Any tranquility which once reigned, while little precious was plugged into the TV or computer and eating only the food he found palatable, will be shattered when expectations are spelled out.
Your once marginally, happy child will now sigh, cut their eyes at you, grumble, accuse you of unfairness, inequality, meanness and otherwise try to irritate you out of your decision to make him put forth effort. They will alternately pout, plead inability to do the work, lack of time to do the work, tiredness, stomach aches, headaches, homework and other injuries to soul and body. It is trying to live with these little fountains of misery. It would be so much easier to just do it yourself. Or better yet, hire someone to do it. They don’t learn much about life if someone else is doing it.
We like our children to be happy. We like to nurture them, sooth them, not irritate them. It takes a while for them to discover that there is a certain happiness to be found in a job well done. It takes twice as long, if ever, for them to admit it. There is no quick return on this investment. But God did not tell us to treat our children as pets, giving them the things they want because it is fun for us. Raising children isn’t a hobby; it is our work and sometimes it is hard, which provides a certain symmetry in this plan. It’s hard for us to make them do hard things.
Our job is to start them down the right path. Raising children who expect to be catered to is not the Godly way to raise a child. We can’t keep coddling them if we expect them to work for Christ, to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, spread the word and love of God. We have to train them.
If we were sending our children out to run a marathon we would insist that they be trained first. Before we send them out into the world, we must train them as well. And it is a long training schedule. If we set expectations high, children will achieve more and will be on a lifelong path of meeting high expectations, of fulfilling the calling God has given them.
Proverbs 22:6 “Raise up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.”
So grit your teeth, or gird your loins, or whatever it takes to expect more of your children. Make them do some things that are hard to do and they will probably surprise you when you see how very much they can do. It’s for their own good, whether they believe you or not.
Blessings,
Michelle
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