Setting expectations for our children is difficult. How much can they do and at what age? What is enough? What is too much? No matter where you set the standard someone thinks that’s an unreasonable standard in one direction or another. My suspicion is that, all of the parents I know, myself included, expect too little of our children. If I could ask my grandmother what she was expected to do at different ages throughout her childhood I’m sure it would be more than today’s children. Our children are as smart as and probably healthier than children were 100 years ago, so why don’t we expect as much of them?
I have recently browsed through a book written by two teenage boys who have positioned themselves as rebels against low expectations for teens. The book is called Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris. Earlier in the summer I read the review of a book discussing the woes of expecting too little of teens and the ills of holding teens back from achieving based on their age. If our teens are not achieving it is because we haven’t prepared them to do more. The low expectations don’t just start the day a child turns the corner from 12 to 13, magically becoming a teenager. Low expectations seem to begin around the age of 3 and often spiral out of control from there. At three, it is time to start to civilized a child in earnest. By 10 they should be down right charming and helpful.
This is easier said than done, of course. Kids like being the prince or princess of their world. Who wouldn’t like to have someone fix the exact meal we want, when we want it and how we want it? Do our laundry, pay our bills, drives us to the fun activities and certainly not interrupt our TV and computer time. When parents call a halt to all of this pampering, kids are not happy and they share that sentiment with everyone. Any tranquility which once reigned, while little precious was plugged into the TV or computer and eating only the food he found palatable, will be shattered when expectations are spelled out.
Your once marginally, happy child will now sigh, cut their eyes at you, grumble, accuse you of unfairness, inequality, meanness and otherwise try to irritate you out of your decision to make him put forth effort. They will alternately pout, plead inability to do the work, lack of time to do the work, tiredness, stomach aches, headaches, homework and other injuries to soul and body. It is trying to live with these little fountains of misery. It would be so much easier to just do it yourself. Or better yet, hire someone to do it. They don’t learn much about life if someone else is doing it.
We like our children to be happy. We like to nurture them, sooth them, not irritate them. It takes a while for them to discover that there is a certain happiness to be found in a job well done. It takes twice as long, if ever, for them to admit it. There is no quick return on this investment. But God did not tell us to treat our children as pets, giving them the things they want because it is fun for us. Raising children isn’t a hobby; it is our work and sometimes it is hard, which provides a certain symmetry in this plan. It’s hard for us to make them do hard things.
Our job is to start them down the right path. Raising children who expect to be catered to is not the Godly way to raise a child. We can’t keep coddling them if we expect them to work for Christ, to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, spread the word and love of God. We have to train them.
If we were sending our children out to run a marathon we would insist that they be trained first. Before we send them out into the world, we must train them as well. And it is a long training schedule. If we set expectations high, children will achieve more and will be on a lifelong path of meeting high expectations, of fulfilling the calling God has given them.
Proverbs 22:6 “Raise up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.”
So grit your teeth, or gird your loins, or whatever it takes to expect more of your children. Make them do some things that are hard to do and they will probably surprise you when you see how very much they can do. It’s for their own good, whether they believe you or not.
Blessings,
Michelle
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Miles to go before I sleep
If I thought I was all alone in this endeavor of raising children I might run away. Raising kids is hard. It takes endurance. Just when I think I have it figured out the rules all change. It is a moving target.
It starts, oh I don’t know, the day a child is born. That day or one very soon thereafter, is the day the awareness that the best laid plans are out the window. All of those self righteous, pious thoughts you had about the right way to raise children dissolve somewhere in the fog of interrupted sleep, inconsolable crying, and mountains of dishes and laundry and on top of that there is a baby to nurture.
I don’t know when the constant crush of decisions and responsibilities abate, but I’m entering my 14th year of motherhood and the end is not in sight. Everyone sleeps through the night now, but the mystery of the right response is still lacking a certain definitive quality. Should I be more involved or should I be less involved. Should I care that I am an unqualified embarrassment or ignore the mortification I am causing by the way I chew and laugh and talk and dress and, probably, breathe.
The comfort is that I am not alone. God has given me friends for each stage of my journey in motherhood. Community is a wonderful thing. The church creates community and there is comfort in that sense of enveloping camaraderie. The women I have known through my life in a spiritual community have had different opinions and different lifestyles and different priorities. Many of us have almost no common ground except motherhood, but we still support each other. We laugh and cry in snippets of conversation about the frustrations of potty training or the unexpected sassy retort from our little angel’s lips.
It is easy to help each other and we need to remember to take the time to do it. New mothers need, not advice as much as, reassurance. You will sleep again for more than an hour or two in a row. Of course withholding a little information is good too. That long sleep may not be for six months.
Admitting mistakes or moments of frustrated anger or the bewildering changes visited upon a household when adolescences takes hold, to other women and seeing their nodding heads and commiserating grins, helps ease the frustration of dealing with those moving targets. We should be thankful that God has given us this support group. We should now step out, not to criticize each other, but to support and laugh and cry together for the sanity it brings. A sane mother is a better mother. Just being heard and knowing that you are not going it alone is a blessing. Sometimes it takes the edge off, in the moment of frustration, to know that tomorrow night when I see my friends at church this is going to be a funny story.
There are plenty of places to get advise but not too many places where you can get encouragement and support. Church is one of them. Develop these gifts of friendship God has given us. Give by listening and receive by honestly sharing; it is for the good of us all.
Blessings,
Michelle
It starts, oh I don’t know, the day a child is born. That day or one very soon thereafter, is the day the awareness that the best laid plans are out the window. All of those self righteous, pious thoughts you had about the right way to raise children dissolve somewhere in the fog of interrupted sleep, inconsolable crying, and mountains of dishes and laundry and on top of that there is a baby to nurture.
I don’t know when the constant crush of decisions and responsibilities abate, but I’m entering my 14th year of motherhood and the end is not in sight. Everyone sleeps through the night now, but the mystery of the right response is still lacking a certain definitive quality. Should I be more involved or should I be less involved. Should I care that I am an unqualified embarrassment or ignore the mortification I am causing by the way I chew and laugh and talk and dress and, probably, breathe.
The comfort is that I am not alone. God has given me friends for each stage of my journey in motherhood. Community is a wonderful thing. The church creates community and there is comfort in that sense of enveloping camaraderie. The women I have known through my life in a spiritual community have had different opinions and different lifestyles and different priorities. Many of us have almost no common ground except motherhood, but we still support each other. We laugh and cry in snippets of conversation about the frustrations of potty training or the unexpected sassy retort from our little angel’s lips.
It is easy to help each other and we need to remember to take the time to do it. New mothers need, not advice as much as, reassurance. You will sleep again for more than an hour or two in a row. Of course withholding a little information is good too. That long sleep may not be for six months.
Admitting mistakes or moments of frustrated anger or the bewildering changes visited upon a household when adolescences takes hold, to other women and seeing their nodding heads and commiserating grins, helps ease the frustration of dealing with those moving targets. We should be thankful that God has given us this support group. We should now step out, not to criticize each other, but to support and laugh and cry together for the sanity it brings. A sane mother is a better mother. Just being heard and knowing that you are not going it alone is a blessing. Sometimes it takes the edge off, in the moment of frustration, to know that tomorrow night when I see my friends at church this is going to be a funny story.
There are plenty of places to get advise but not too many places where you can get encouragement and support. Church is one of them. Develop these gifts of friendship God has given us. Give by listening and receive by honestly sharing; it is for the good of us all.
Blessings,
Michelle
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